So I'm already on Day 2 of my Blessed Herbs Internal Cleanse and was thinking that I should be blogging every day of the cleanse as I did the previous year when I first did it since it had such a profound effect on me. Having already missed the 1st day I was about to abandon the entire enterprise when the gurgling of remorse in my gut began to creep around my spirit.
Thing is, I haven't been ecstatic nor overwhelmingly inspired to create as the new Gregorian year has dawned. While I see friends and acquaintances zooming off in their Jetson Mobiles riddling off hallmark apophthegms designed to elevate them to heights and abundance I feel decidedly stuck in my non-existent vehicle. I'm not at all playing a victim card but my spirit honestly believes that it's been left behind in some way. Now, perhaps this has something to do with the first part of the cleanse that I did which was the colon cleanse in that it's brought some fears to the surface. Whatever the case may be I'm putting on a smile to the world at large while exhaling deeply with a maudlin bewildered look on my face whilst alone.
I have soo very much to be thankful for and I'm doing what I can to focus on that but ultimately it comes down to me not being where I truly wish to be in my career, I would even go so far as to say that I don't even have one.
I threw away the coils of pride and ego a couple of weeks ago when I decided to audition for some classes at a place that I've been hearing about since the moment I stepped foot on this soil out here ten years ago. I'm not going to say who they are because I'd rather keep that anonymous while I go through the process. Needless to say, I got in and have started my journey in this school/performance space but I am most definitely at the bottom of the ladder which is causing me to bite my lip and stifle my angst during my time in these classes.
It's funny, I just got around to watching the UK version of 'The Office' for the first time and there was a clip I saw tonight where the blonde secretary is being interviewed and she says something to the effect of rather being at the bottom of the ladder in a place where you want to go versus being halfway up at a place where you don't, rather apropos that. Side note, thought the series was incredibly well done and funny but doesn't even come close to being in the same neighborhood as 'Curb...'. At any rate, taking these classes is going to be great for me, I know it, but it's been extremely challenging for someone like myself who has studied for decades to feel like he's been put back into a nursery school of sorts where you're trying to force yourself to forget that you already know every single angle of Duck Duck Goose.
The thing I kept repeating to myself upon being accepted in is that I would not focus at all at hurdling through the classes so as to advance nor get caught up in any drama or political nonsense that places like this cane produce ad infinitum. Rather I would stay in the moment and take solace in the fact that by undertaking such an endeavor will get the wheels of fortune turning in my favor.
This blog thing is such a weird medium, I mean, in a way I feel like it's a personal diary that nobody will ever read and at the same time I have the awareness that this could be being read by someone I know or eventually by an enormous swath of humans. It's quite therapeutic and far more satisfying than the piddly lil' blips of synapses and experiences being gobbled up by the book of visages and the evil lil' blue bird.
So I'm going to do my best to commit to this space again for the next 19 days at the very least while I'm going through this cleanse; it's the least I could do although I am absolutely a commitment issue person in certain areas of my life. On stage? Never, with people especially women...oh hell yeah.
I'm dreadfully awful in that regard. You know, I'm picking up this lovely female at the airport tomorrow night. Who is she Z? Here goes...Well, haven't seen her for a month plus and we're kinda sorta seeing hanging spending time et cetera que sera blah zay blah deflect detour next subject please. I will say that receiving a text from someone that says she can't wait to see me is a delicacy I've not even sniffed in quite some time and it was absolutely delightful...deep exhale, subject change, darting of the eyes, soooo how about those Knicks!
Thing is, I haven't been ecstatic nor overwhelmingly inspired to create as the new Gregorian year has dawned. While I see friends and acquaintances zooming off in their Jetson Mobiles riddling off hallmark apophthegms designed to elevate them to heights and abundance I feel decidedly stuck in my non-existent vehicle. I'm not at all playing a victim card but my spirit honestly believes that it's been left behind in some way. Now, perhaps this has something to do with the first part of the cleanse that I did which was the colon cleanse in that it's brought some fears to the surface. Whatever the case may be I'm putting on a smile to the world at large while exhaling deeply with a maudlin bewildered look on my face whilst alone.
I have soo very much to be thankful for and I'm doing what I can to focus on that but ultimately it comes down to me not being where I truly wish to be in my career, I would even go so far as to say that I don't even have one.
I threw away the coils of pride and ego a couple of weeks ago when I decided to audition for some classes at a place that I've been hearing about since the moment I stepped foot on this soil out here ten years ago. I'm not going to say who they are because I'd rather keep that anonymous while I go through the process. Needless to say, I got in and have started my journey in this school/performance space but I am most definitely at the bottom of the ladder which is causing me to bite my lip and stifle my angst during my time in these classes.
It's funny, I just got around to watching the UK version of 'The Office' for the first time and there was a clip I saw tonight where the blonde secretary is being interviewed and she says something to the effect of rather being at the bottom of the ladder in a place where you want to go versus being halfway up at a place where you don't, rather apropos that. Side note, thought the series was incredibly well done and funny but doesn't even come close to being in the same neighborhood as 'Curb...'. At any rate, taking these classes is going to be great for me, I know it, but it's been extremely challenging for someone like myself who has studied for decades to feel like he's been put back into a nursery school of sorts where you're trying to force yourself to forget that you already know every single angle of Duck Duck Goose.
The thing I kept repeating to myself upon being accepted in is that I would not focus at all at hurdling through the classes so as to advance nor get caught up in any drama or political nonsense that places like this cane produce ad infinitum. Rather I would stay in the moment and take solace in the fact that by undertaking such an endeavor will get the wheels of fortune turning in my favor.
This blog thing is such a weird medium, I mean, in a way I feel like it's a personal diary that nobody will ever read and at the same time I have the awareness that this could be being read by someone I know or eventually by an enormous swath of humans. It's quite therapeutic and far more satisfying than the piddly lil' blips of synapses and experiences being gobbled up by the book of visages and the evil lil' blue bird.
So I'm going to do my best to commit to this space again for the next 19 days at the very least while I'm going through this cleanse; it's the least I could do although I am absolutely a commitment issue person in certain areas of my life. On stage? Never, with people especially women...oh hell yeah.
I'm dreadfully awful in that regard. You know, I'm picking up this lovely female at the airport tomorrow night. Who is she Z? Here goes...Well, haven't seen her for a month plus and we're kinda sorta seeing hanging spending time et cetera que sera blah zay blah deflect detour next subject please. I will say that receiving a text from someone that says she can't wait to see me is a delicacy I've not even sniffed in quite some time and it was absolutely delightful...deep exhale, subject change, darting of the eyes, soooo how about those Knicks!
0 comments:
Post a Comment