So I've decided to throw my hat back into the Stand-Up Comedy Ring again starting this week. Not sure how I truly feel about it. Part of me feels obligated in a way to pursue the mic again. I know I can be exceptionally good at it. I know it can provide me with joy. I know it is medicine for my spirit.
But I also feel deeply heartbroken when I think about performing Stand-Up. I feel let down by the art form. I feel I've given so much and received so little in return. I feel resentful about basically having to start at the very beginning again since I know nobody and have no connections whatsoever to get gigs. Well, let me rephrase that, I'm sure I could find connections to get me gigs but they'd be gigs I'm not interested in doing at this point in my life.
What kind of gigs would those be you ask? Well 'Bringer shows' comes to mind first. Those are the gut wrenching scrape on your innards type of a performance where it is your duty to 'bring' a certain amount of audience members in order to secure your spot on the bill. Usually this spot is right at the top of the show when everyone is settling in and realizing that there's actually live people performing in front of them. It is the equivalent of a Dinner Date with a chick who could care less about you but is using you to bring her to a meal and escort her home in time to bang her booty call.
Calling them 'Bringer' shows is also a gross misnomer. It's not as if a comic walks out of his door and gleefully proclaims that he or she is about to perform resulting in a groundswell of excitement that pours a gaggle of able bodied laughers into a vehicle. No, a comedian does not stroll into a club and with a flourish declare 'Look at who I've brought' as a conga line of audience members cha-cha-cha into their seats begging for pock faced waitresses to serve them overpriced beverages with a quickness.
Yea, verily I have donned an Elvish Evergreen Bonnet and with mahogany flute in hand trilled a tra la la through the corridors and avenues beckoning willing chucklers and chortlers to follow my seductive yuk yuk melody to an abode of brick walls, teeny weeny tables and endless queries of 'Have you ever noticed...' , verily I was met by the chirping condolences of a flock of crickets.
Believe me, there is nothing worse that standing there at show time and seeing only one of your supposed five or ten willing audience members sitting there. You hate being stood up by your date you say? Well how about being stood up by half a dozen of them at the same time, try that one on for size. When people find out I'm a comic they almost always remark how incredibly hard it must be to be one and I always say being one is the easy part. It's getting the opportunity to actually perform like one that's the hard part; at least in my experience. So yes, no more bringer shows, ever, unless it's for a major and I mean major show where something is on the line. I will not help fill your wack ass little punk bar on a Monday night in some evil corner of the valley where some Eastern European block of accents rattles throughout the establishment. Nope. Not gonna do it.
Then there's the 'Abracadabra Shows'. Not gonna do those either. What's an Abracadabra Show you ask? It's a Book Shop, no it's not, Abracadabra! It's a Comedy Show! It's a Coffee Shop, no it's not, Presto! It's a Comedy Show! It's a Barber Shop, no it's a Comedy Show! Yippee!!! I'll suffer these ha ha transformations for working stuff out should I choose to but no more makeshift performance spaces. I've done them all, really I have. I've been a Mic Whore, for too many years "It's where, in a cave that you need to take a tractor to and then rappel down half a mile in the dark to get to you say? 5 minutes? Cool, I'm down." Yeah, over that ish.
Ultimately what I truly want is a home base. A place that I perform regularly. A place that I'm appreciated. A place where everybody knows my name. I want to be Norm of Cheers. What's shakin' Z Luv Star?!? A pair of cheeks and a bunch of color treated hair, what's up wit u? This way when someone asks me when I'm performing next I can always say 'I'm always at blah blah on blah blah days etc.' Yes, I'm bitter on that one as well. Not sure if this is just a result of making small talk but I'm constantly asked of my next performance date. Invariably if and when that date is eventually procured I return to the posers of those inquiries with my fulfilling news 'Lo and Behold, thy wish hast been granted! I shall be tickling the bones of funniness this upcoming so and so!' Yup, never works out. Everyone's busy or says they're gonna come and then doesn't etc. The worst are the ones who get so absurdly excited and then pledge to round up an entire zip code of people to witness my inevitable brilliance...and then not even show up. Oy.
I get it, I mean I understand the process as it pertains to the desire to see me perform. See, I can be very funny in person as well as charming (yes I grant you I can be an ass and quite a creepy brooder as well but go with me for a sec). So what happens is that the recipient of my twinkling retorts figures 'Wow, this guy would be great onstage'. This prompts them to innocently request any and every invite out to any and every future gigaroo. Problem is, this shining moment loses its luster within a day or two and once obligations, social options and the endless self destructive behaviors and addictions the average human has at their disposal gets in the way I become nothing but an afterthought. It's one of my character flaws, I'm extreeeemely naive when it comes to what people say; I take everything at its word since I consider my word my bond. Hence it's been a bumpy ride for me in the land of B.S. and empty sentence volleys.
It's been an incredibly challenging road to hoe this road of Comedianisma. Seems I've matched the same pattern out here that I did in New York City. I immerse myself in working to get gigs at clubs and when that proves to be futile or immensely dissatisfying I then branch out and create my own shows in my own chosen venues. Eventually those shows led to an Apex of some sort: In New York it was my Off Broadway One Man Show, in LA it was my One Man Comedy Special that was turned into a DVD.
At the end of both I was left sitting on my lonely ass, deeply exhausted, wondering what it all meant. Were these journeys the fulcrum of some hidden agenda unbeknownst to my bewildered self? I cannot say. I just know that I'm definitely being confronted by this part of myself right now. It seems 'Stand-Up Comedy' is all around me. I'm meeting people, being asked, told about or running into former acquaintances where the subject always dips to Stand-Up so I cannot deny it any longer.
So here's what I'm gonna do. On Tuesday I'm going down to the Laugh Factory and signing up for their Open Mic. Despite being here for over a decade I have yet to ever sign up for their Open Mic. It's a wonky process if you ask me. You show up and wait to sign up, hoping that you're allowed a slot depending on how many comics they let sign up that day. You're also signing up for the following week not the week you're there which makes no sense to me. Why for the love of all that is good in the infinite Universe must we return the following week if we're already there? I'm sure there's a good enough reason but all these random rules just drives me batty.
Anyway, after that, I'm gonna eventually go back to the Improv and sign up for that again. I kind of despised their process as well but I'm going to do my best to let go of it and just surrender to see what happens. I will say this, when I showed up to the Improv for the first time the building spoke to me and said 'Well it's about time you showed up here'. No really, it did. Fine, look at this page like that, I don't care I'm being dead serious. I leaned against the wall outside while I was waiting and that's what I heard as if I was being hit by a bus.
I wonder what the Laugh Factory will say to me, "Who does your eyebrows?" or maybe "Prince Impersonator Auditions are on Thursdays". Truth be told I already went there once many many years ago for a Yom Kippur service. That would be the holiest day of the Jew Year for Jew people folks. I was profoundly intrigued about having the High Holiday Services held in a Comedy Club; there was something quite perfect in that. Of course it was the same ol' oy yoy yoy beat yourself up stuff; the playbook sure as heck didn't change. See, now that would have been something, if Comics were allowed to go in and muck around with the prayers and make a bit about everything. If they did that I'd be the most devout Jew in the history of Jewyism.
Well, that's where I'm at people, waddya think?
To be honest, I have no idea whatsoever as to what my material is going to be. That's always been a problem, a good problem but a problem nonetheless. I have so much material I never have enough time to get to all of it or stick to something. I literally have hours of stuff I haven't even touched since I recorded the ideas plus a couple hundred pages of stuff just sitting on my hard drive. This time around I'm gonna play the game a bit more and just do the same thing over and over and over as best as I can even it kills me. Let's see how it goes. I'll stick to a few clubs and maybe one or two open mic spots and never deviate from them unless the opportunity is too good to pass up, that way I won't get overwhelmed with the vastness that is LA's Comedy Scene.
In the end, really, look, just judge me Hollywood. Put me in front of the ravenous wolves and judge me. Tell me I suck and to go back home up to my old stomping grounds in the galaxies far far away or tell me I'm amazing and demand my time in front of the Mic. Okay? As John Patrick Shanley once told a very beautiful friend of mine one night as she stood before him in his hotel room:
'The Bed or the Door'
Alright Comedy Clubs? Just tell me...the Bed or the Door.
I'm used to the door.
But if you want me to hit it I promise to bang the living bejeezus outta your paying customers.
But I also feel deeply heartbroken when I think about performing Stand-Up. I feel let down by the art form. I feel I've given so much and received so little in return. I feel resentful about basically having to start at the very beginning again since I know nobody and have no connections whatsoever to get gigs. Well, let me rephrase that, I'm sure I could find connections to get me gigs but they'd be gigs I'm not interested in doing at this point in my life.
What kind of gigs would those be you ask? Well 'Bringer shows' comes to mind first. Those are the gut wrenching scrape on your innards type of a performance where it is your duty to 'bring' a certain amount of audience members in order to secure your spot on the bill. Usually this spot is right at the top of the show when everyone is settling in and realizing that there's actually live people performing in front of them. It is the equivalent of a Dinner Date with a chick who could care less about you but is using you to bring her to a meal and escort her home in time to bang her booty call.
Calling them 'Bringer' shows is also a gross misnomer. It's not as if a comic walks out of his door and gleefully proclaims that he or she is about to perform resulting in a groundswell of excitement that pours a gaggle of able bodied laughers into a vehicle. No, a comedian does not stroll into a club and with a flourish declare 'Look at who I've brought' as a conga line of audience members cha-cha-cha into their seats begging for pock faced waitresses to serve them overpriced beverages with a quickness.
Yea, verily I have donned an Elvish Evergreen Bonnet and with mahogany flute in hand trilled a tra la la through the corridors and avenues beckoning willing chucklers and chortlers to follow my seductive yuk yuk melody to an abode of brick walls, teeny weeny tables and endless queries of 'Have you ever noticed...' , verily I was met by the chirping condolences of a flock of crickets.
Believe me, there is nothing worse that standing there at show time and seeing only one of your supposed five or ten willing audience members sitting there. You hate being stood up by your date you say? Well how about being stood up by half a dozen of them at the same time, try that one on for size. When people find out I'm a comic they almost always remark how incredibly hard it must be to be one and I always say being one is the easy part. It's getting the opportunity to actually perform like one that's the hard part; at least in my experience. So yes, no more bringer shows, ever, unless it's for a major and I mean major show where something is on the line. I will not help fill your wack ass little punk bar on a Monday night in some evil corner of the valley where some Eastern European block of accents rattles throughout the establishment. Nope. Not gonna do it.
Then there's the 'Abracadabra Shows'. Not gonna do those either. What's an Abracadabra Show you ask? It's a Book Shop, no it's not, Abracadabra! It's a Comedy Show! It's a Coffee Shop, no it's not, Presto! It's a Comedy Show! It's a Barber Shop, no it's a Comedy Show! Yippee!!! I'll suffer these ha ha transformations for working stuff out should I choose to but no more makeshift performance spaces. I've done them all, really I have. I've been a Mic Whore, for too many years "It's where, in a cave that you need to take a tractor to and then rappel down half a mile in the dark to get to you say? 5 minutes? Cool, I'm down." Yeah, over that ish.
Ultimately what I truly want is a home base. A place that I perform regularly. A place that I'm appreciated. A place where everybody knows my name. I want to be Norm of Cheers. What's shakin' Z Luv Star?!? A pair of cheeks and a bunch of color treated hair, what's up wit u? This way when someone asks me when I'm performing next I can always say 'I'm always at blah blah on blah blah days etc.' Yes, I'm bitter on that one as well. Not sure if this is just a result of making small talk but I'm constantly asked of my next performance date. Invariably if and when that date is eventually procured I return to the posers of those inquiries with my fulfilling news 'Lo and Behold, thy wish hast been granted! I shall be tickling the bones of funniness this upcoming so and so!' Yup, never works out. Everyone's busy or says they're gonna come and then doesn't etc. The worst are the ones who get so absurdly excited and then pledge to round up an entire zip code of people to witness my inevitable brilliance...and then not even show up. Oy.
I get it, I mean I understand the process as it pertains to the desire to see me perform. See, I can be very funny in person as well as charming (yes I grant you I can be an ass and quite a creepy brooder as well but go with me for a sec). So what happens is that the recipient of my twinkling retorts figures 'Wow, this guy would be great onstage'. This prompts them to innocently request any and every invite out to any and every future gigaroo. Problem is, this shining moment loses its luster within a day or two and once obligations, social options and the endless self destructive behaviors and addictions the average human has at their disposal gets in the way I become nothing but an afterthought. It's one of my character flaws, I'm extreeeemely naive when it comes to what people say; I take everything at its word since I consider my word my bond. Hence it's been a bumpy ride for me in the land of B.S. and empty sentence volleys.
It's been an incredibly challenging road to hoe this road of Comedianisma. Seems I've matched the same pattern out here that I did in New York City. I immerse myself in working to get gigs at clubs and when that proves to be futile or immensely dissatisfying I then branch out and create my own shows in my own chosen venues. Eventually those shows led to an Apex of some sort: In New York it was my Off Broadway One Man Show, in LA it was my One Man Comedy Special that was turned into a DVD.
At the end of both I was left sitting on my lonely ass, deeply exhausted, wondering what it all meant. Were these journeys the fulcrum of some hidden agenda unbeknownst to my bewildered self? I cannot say. I just know that I'm definitely being confronted by this part of myself right now. It seems 'Stand-Up Comedy' is all around me. I'm meeting people, being asked, told about or running into former acquaintances where the subject always dips to Stand-Up so I cannot deny it any longer.
So here's what I'm gonna do. On Tuesday I'm going down to the Laugh Factory and signing up for their Open Mic. Despite being here for over a decade I have yet to ever sign up for their Open Mic. It's a wonky process if you ask me. You show up and wait to sign up, hoping that you're allowed a slot depending on how many comics they let sign up that day. You're also signing up for the following week not the week you're there which makes no sense to me. Why for the love of all that is good in the infinite Universe must we return the following week if we're already there? I'm sure there's a good enough reason but all these random rules just drives me batty.
Anyway, after that, I'm gonna eventually go back to the Improv and sign up for that again. I kind of despised their process as well but I'm going to do my best to let go of it and just surrender to see what happens. I will say this, when I showed up to the Improv for the first time the building spoke to me and said 'Well it's about time you showed up here'. No really, it did. Fine, look at this page like that, I don't care I'm being dead serious. I leaned against the wall outside while I was waiting and that's what I heard as if I was being hit by a bus.
I wonder what the Laugh Factory will say to me, "Who does your eyebrows?" or maybe "Prince Impersonator Auditions are on Thursdays". Truth be told I already went there once many many years ago for a Yom Kippur service. That would be the holiest day of the Jew Year for Jew people folks. I was profoundly intrigued about having the High Holiday Services held in a Comedy Club; there was something quite perfect in that. Of course it was the same ol' oy yoy yoy beat yourself up stuff; the playbook sure as heck didn't change. See, now that would have been something, if Comics were allowed to go in and muck around with the prayers and make a bit about everything. If they did that I'd be the most devout Jew in the history of Jewyism.
Well, that's where I'm at people, waddya think?
To be honest, I have no idea whatsoever as to what my material is going to be. That's always been a problem, a good problem but a problem nonetheless. I have so much material I never have enough time to get to all of it or stick to something. I literally have hours of stuff I haven't even touched since I recorded the ideas plus a couple hundred pages of stuff just sitting on my hard drive. This time around I'm gonna play the game a bit more and just do the same thing over and over and over as best as I can even it kills me. Let's see how it goes. I'll stick to a few clubs and maybe one or two open mic spots and never deviate from them unless the opportunity is too good to pass up, that way I won't get overwhelmed with the vastness that is LA's Comedy Scene.
In the end, really, look, just judge me Hollywood. Put me in front of the ravenous wolves and judge me. Tell me I suck and to go back home up to my old stomping grounds in the galaxies far far away or tell me I'm amazing and demand my time in front of the Mic. Okay? As John Patrick Shanley once told a very beautiful friend of mine one night as she stood before him in his hotel room:
'The Bed or the Door'
Alright Comedy Clubs? Just tell me...the Bed or the Door.
I'm used to the door.
But if you want me to hit it I promise to bang the living bejeezus outta your paying customers.
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